A Healing Concoction // LOVE

I haven’t blogged in months.

I’m scared. Scared to dig deeper than a simple blog about bikinis.

In May a close friend (more like a sister), my brother, and I pulled together our resources (& Christian friends) to help enlightened today’s fellow swimsuit lovers the thoughts guys have when they see a girl in a bathing suit on social media. While the post boomed (to over 5,000 views) (which I didn’t know was possible), it isn’t me.  It was about “them”.  I don’t struggle with posting immodest pictures of myself.  I never have had the bikini to wear in order to post (until recently I bought one to wear to go “tanning” with my girl friends–which if you know what I look like you’re probably laughing. Yes, mom. I did. We can talk later.)

Whipping up a blog about other people’s struggles is easy.  It’s simple.  It calls for no self-reflection.

Blogging about my real struggles, my real worries–now this is going to be hard.

I have recently been self-diagnosed with: “I’m-not-good-enough-itis“.

It is a common disease that I’ve seen many suffer with.

The symptoms are: not feeling good enough (hence the title), self-pity, self-reliance, putting others down mentally or outwardly, confused on your placement, frustration, anger, anxiety, depression, and some mild to severe cases of self-centeredness.

Recently I recognized these same symptoms occurring in my life. Some were more intense than others. Running out of options, I formed a concoction of tears and prayers.  See, I have been working for a church. {Oh, the feeling to work for and with God’s children.} It is one of the most difficult tasks in the world; you cannot help but be emotionally invested into your “job”.  I felt inadequate.  I felt like I hadn’t connected well with the girls.  I felt like I might be in the wrong place.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved my job. Still do.  In that moment though, I felt like my wandering feet had taken me out on the edge of a mountain.  I couldn’t see the next step to take, so I found just enough room to fall to my knees.  Isn’t it cool how God always leaves enough room for you to fall down and pray?

The next morning I woke up to a picture attached to text message.  It was from a girl in the youth group.

The picture was of a doodle she made out of the quote: “Don’t let the world squeeze you into its mold.” –Steve Smith

The message said, “I tried my hand at the Bible note thing”

Three answers God gave me at 8:00 am :

1. The world (Satan) will try to push and shove you into this mold of “normal”.  Inside this mold, God does not exist. The silly part is, we will even try to squeeze our own selves down to this shape.  God says, “Let me break you apart, and put you back together with My love. This “glue” will make you stronger.  Because now it’s a “we” thing.  Where you go, I go.”

2. God sees my tears, hears my prayers, and takes action to heal my heart.  He can use whoever and whatever He pleases to reveal Himself.

3. God’s the difference maker, not me.

Absorbing and distributing God’s love was the remedy.  

Prayers aren’t always answered in a text message.  I just believe God saw how desperate I was for a sign.  For healing.  He knew how weary I was from searching for an answer everywhere but in Him.

I have decided at times that I can do it without Him. I even believe I can do His own work alone. How foolish. The thing is though, I am not enough. Alone, I am flesh, bone, and dark soul. But, when I put on Christ, I became One with Him.  He breaks me down and uses that “glue” to become a part of me.

We (God & I) are more than enough. Together. My master and my soul.

Oh, what a team!

Lead my wandering feet farther than my mind can think.

What a blessing it would be to be taken home worn down to just my soul!

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